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UN denied access to investigate mass grave because they didn’t say please

January 2, 2011

Abidjan, Ivory Coast

Allegations of genocide and mass graves have led to the UN troops in the country being asked by the man in charge of the opposition, Alassane Ouattara, to look into the situation.  When contacted, Ouattara, said, “When we first first learned that the army might be going to kill people, we asked the UN to protect them.  The UN told me they cannot rely on our information and they have to do their own investigations, but since no one had been killed yet then they had nothing to investigate.”  He then said, “I called them yesterday and asked,  ‘200 people have now been killed, will you go investigate?’ and they assured me that they would do everything they could.”

UN troops have tried many times to reach the location of the bodies only to be turned away each time by troops with guns in pickup trucks.

According to an anonymous source within Laurent Gbagbo’s staff, UN Peacekeepers were not allowed inside a building that is supposedly  being used a mass grave for bodies because “they did not say please.”  He went on to say, “We really wanted to let them in to see all the bodies, but they wouldn’t accommodate our simple request of being nice and saying ‘please let us in, pretty please with a cherry on top’.  As such we had no choice but to deny their request.  We asked them to leave nicely and when they wouldn’t we were forced to bring in our security forces and make them leave.”  When asked why the UN troops, who were all heavily armed and came in armored personnel carriers, did not try to force their way into the building, but instead quickly drove away, his response was, “We were surprised by that too, but upon more research we have learned that the weapons the UN troops carry are in fact plastic water guns and their APCs are made out of cardboard boxes.”  When pressed further, he said it was the motor noises that gave it away.  He said the noise coming from one of the APCs sounded like a man on a microphone saying “vroom, vroom, vroom.”

The UN refused to comment on these allegations citing problems in communicating with their staff on the ground, because “the bicycle they were peddling to power the command post has broken.”


Here is the real article with the same ridiculous result.

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